So i had a major breakthrough last night and it's not a good thing. It's really kind depressing and i don't know what to do. i realized all this stuff about what happened and i'm really sad and depressed now.

I actually realized all this stuff because my friend who is here on dA actually sent me a totally random text that said, "Don't close your heart and say it's due to lack of interest, because that isn't true." I know it's a total god thing that he thought of me when he thought of this because God knew how much i needed to hear that and how much i need to think about that. And it did totally get me thinking and i realized that i closed my heart after what happened with Nick. And i kinda have been saying it's due to lack of interest towards all boys. Not lack of interest in a lesbian way, but more saying that love is a waste of time in high school and that there was no one to try to be outgoing with. And I realized that i've done this because i'm scared to love again.

Not that i was in love with nick but i did love him like a friend and i liked him as a lot more. And i would have been fine if he had just turned me down and everything went on as normal because i have an easy time getting over crushes. But then he also decided that he didn't want to be friends anymore because he learned i liked him and it "freaked him out" (direct quote coming from another friend who was doing some <ahem> investigation for me). And that's what really hurt me. It's not that big of a deal to lose a crush, but it hurts so much more to lose a friend, especially because you loved him.

And that's why i think i've been scared of love. he hurt me so much that i don't know if i can get over this. I'm scared to take a chance because i took a chance with him and look where that's got me. I know i'm over him but i'm not over what he put me through and all the pain he has caused me.

Also, i haven't let myself admit how hurt i've been until last night. It was almost like i felt guilty for feeling that hurt, like it was my fault. i felt like it wasn't even that bad of a situation to feel that hurt. It wasn't like in New Moon where not only did the guy who had promised to spend the rest of my life with me leave me, but i lost a family and a future too. I didn't even lose a soul mate or something like that. So i felt guilty for feeling this hurt when there are kids starving in Africa and dying. And also, I had another friend who was going through the exact same thing as i was only she didn't even know the guy and yet she was a lot worse off than i was. And i felt guilty every time i started to act like he had hurt me because then i felt like i was being as stupid as she was and hypocritical for telling her off when i just went and feel the same.

But i knew him! Or, at least, i thought i knew him! And he totally broke me by doing what he did to. And now i don't know if i have the ability to love anyone else because i'm too scared to take the chance and to love again. I don't want to get hurt again like i did and i feel if i open up to any guy, it will just get me hurt because that's all it's done in the past.

So what do i do? I really don't want to not be able to love anymore.

I you guys (as ironic as that sounds pertaining to this but i can still love in the platonic way),

Bella