Fate: Zombie

Chapter 19
Zombie. It’s a word that I have become quite used to. If you look it up in the dictionary, the first definition you will find is the body of a dead person given the semblance of life, but mute and will-less, by a supernatural force, usually for some evil purpose. The next definition is a little bit different. A person whose behavior or responses are wooden, listless, or seemingly rote; automaton.

My personal definition for the word: what a girl who has lost absolutely everything in her life turns into. Because I had lost everything in my life and it was like I was a zombie. Going through life became a routine, something I did without thinking. If I let myself think about what I had lost for even a second, I’d spiral into the pits of despair and agony and physical pain that my life had become though. If I didn’t think about it, though, I was able to remain numb and stoic.

But at night, there was no controlling my thoughts. The memories and images flashed in front of my eyes with no way of stopping them and brought the physical pain with them. Edward had taken my ability to breathe and Jacob had ripped out my heart. This left me with a big, gaping hole in the center of my chest that refused to heal. Each thought and memory picked at it, stinging with excruciating agony. The space where my heart had been throbbed even when the memories weren’t trying to kill me and my broken lungs ached for air, feeling like they would cave in any minute.

Without thinking – that was the only way to keep on living. After my mom and Phil died, I had become quite good at controlling my thoughts for the few months I needed to do so. Now, I was an expert though I doubted I’d ever be able to let the memories out without the pain attempting to kill me.

Edward had taken my ability to breath and Jacob had ripped out my heart. This left me forever broken beyond repair.
***
Angela tried to talk to me. “Why didn’t I go back to Edward?” she asked. “This would show him the Jacob really wasn’t the better choice for you.”

Why didn’t I go crawling back to Edward? Was it my pride? Jacob had, after all, left me for someone else just a month before our impending wedding. Or was it the fact that I thought he wouldn’t take me back? Because why would he want to? I was nothing anymore but a shell of the girl I had once been – a zombie in all definitions. Who would want? Jacob sure didn’t. Why would Edward?

He wouldn’t want me.
***
The weeks dragged by. Each second seemed a million times longer than the last. With each moment it became harder not to think, not to feel anything. All the memories I had blocked out fought back against the wall in my head, becoming stronger by the moment. The pain didn’t ease but got worse with each second I spent alone.

Whoever said time heals all wounds was an idiot. This wound – these wounds – just would just not heal. It became worse with every second I spent alive. At some moments, I was so close to giving up. Life wasn’t worth it anymore. What was the point of living when you had lost everything?

I had made no promise to keep living like you often see lovers do when they leave each other. Jacob hadn’t even seemed concern about my life after he left. Surely he knew me as the stubborn creature that was unable to heal that I was. I knew that was who I was. Time could never heal me.

The pain grew dreadful, the uncontrollable sobbing tedious. I wanted it to stop. Even I couldn’t remain stoic forever.

I wasn’t me anymore and I hated that. I had lost myself along with Edward and Jacob. They had each taken a piece of me with them, leaving me with nothing. I wasn’t even a shell anymore. I didn’t know what I was but I didn’t even resemble myself.

When I would look in the mirror – which I tried to avoid at all costs – I didn’t see me. I saw a zombie. A dead body reanimated. Her eyes were sunken in, her cheeks hallow. Her skin had the pallor of wax, death. Her hair hung limp around her shallow face, no longer containing the luster it used to have. Her body was slowly withering away as she was not able to eat and she looked as though she would soon be more of a skeleton than a zombie.

I couldn’t be me anymore no matter how hard I tried. Bella Swan was gone, torn to pieces by the men she loved, and I was left in her place – whoever I was. No matter what I did, there was no hope. There was no way to live on.